For those of you who have attended my workshops, I am sure you have heard me talk about one of the biggest obstacles we face when trying to change. The obstacle that I am referring to, which gets in the way is when we “slip up” or revert back to an old behavior we often feel very angry and frustrated and so we give up trying to change. This however, is really just one side of the coin, and for right now I want to focus on another very important aspect of change and that is ACCEPTANCE.  I know what you are thinking, what does acceptance have to do with changing?

I will tell you that I did not realize the importance of acceptance until I experienced it first hand in my own life.  I thought if I accepted the situation then I would not be able to change it. And so, that is what I felt on an emotional level and therefore perpetuated in my life, while my logical mind and the coach in me, believed otherwise. It was in fact my emotions, which were fighting my reality and as long as I continued to fight my reality nothing changed. You see, we often get so driven and busy in order to escape our present day circumstances in an effort to achieve our goals, that we expend a lot of energy fighting “what is” present in our lives. From working with many clients, I know they are eager to change some aspect of their life, but at the same time they have not fully understood or accepted what is happening for them right in the moment. When you try to fight off what is currently happening in order to make it go away you actually bring more energy to it instead. And it is precisely this resistant energy that keeps you stuck. What this challenging situation really needs is to be fully heard, experienced and ACCEPTED. Once this occurs, one can liken it to a pressure valve that finally gets released. Your energy that was tied into the situation shifts and transforms allowing it to move through you rather than remaining stuck.

Now, I am not saying this process occurs overnight or easily for that matter. However, I do know a few things that will help facilitate the process, so begin by practicing the following techniques:

1. Acknowledge the feelings and allow yourself to feel them. It is okay to be uncomfortable with the feelings and sit with them until they subside.
2. Talk about your feelings and the situation, also shout them out or cry them out.
3. Write about the situation and how you feel.
4. Visualize yourself accepting the situation and then see yourself moving along on your journey to your next level of accomplishment.
5. Move your body – any physical movement helps to shift your energy.
6. Get physical touch in the form of massage, acupressure, reflexology, etc.

Remember, change is inevitable so loosen up your grip and allow it to happen.

Commitment – the act of an agreement or promise to do something in the future, making a pledge to someone or something, the act or process of entrusting or consigning for safe-keeping; the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.

This word brings up a lot of different reactions to people but for the most part it can make us feel somewhat uncomfortable. With that said, our tendency is to either overcommit or undercommit. So, what’s the big deal about commitment? Why is it important anyway?

Think for just a moment, you wouldn’t get too far in life without it. It’s what keeps you focused with your heart and soul, and with both your feet planted in the ground while all working together for a vested interest. That’s right, commitment helps us to take a stand and follow through with an action. It impels us to proceed with certainty towards something in a secure way, causing us to feel more aligned and unified in our direct relationship with that something or someone. Without it, we would flounder creating a sense of uncertainty and insecurity while impeding our perpetual movement forward toward our intended goals.

So, what goes wrong? We overcommit or commit to the wrong things. We commit to things that we can’t potentially fulfill, and we fail to be realistic with what we can and cannot do. We want to do the “right thing” and we don’t like to disappoint people so we promise things that we can’t deliver. Our other commitment foible occurs when we commit prematurely to things before properly investigating them. In other words, you commit to something before learning more about it, in terms of whether it serves you well or not.

When these circumstances frequently occur, we can often go to the other extreme, which is undercommitting or just plain not committing. Here we make a decision, whether consciously or not, that we will not commit to anything because we’re so afraid of our past experience of being either overcommitted or committed to the wrong thing. The good news is that our past doesn’t have to equal our future. By taking a stand and developing healthy commitments you will see the positive results being reflected as you move closer to your desired goals. To develop a better relationship with commitment, practice the following steps:

1. Try something out and test the water by taking baby steps. Try whatever it is slowly. Explore it and ask questions and then wait to see some consistency before committing to it.
2. Before committing, be realistic with your time and priorities. Say “yes” to things that are aligned with your values and priorities and say “no” to things that are not.
3. The most important commitment to honor is the one with yourself. By having this firmly in place, you will feel safe, secure and grounded, and with this solid foundation all things are possible.

Remember this daily affirmation . . . Today, I choose to create healthy commitments.

This article by Robin Gardner appeared in INNER REALM MAGAZINE, September 2004.

Do you spend time looking for the next “right” book, workshop, lipstick color, haircut, weight loss scheme, etc., all in an effort to fix yourself?… Always wanting to improve yourself, as though there’s something fundamentally wrong with you inside. So, why are we brainwashed as a culture to always focus on what’s wrong, rather than on what’s right? Don’t mistake me here, there’s no problem with a little self-improvement but when the underlying belief is that there is something wrong with you, then something is definitely amiss and that’s what can create a problem. At that point, the ability to fix becomes an impossible task. You see you can’t fix anything with that mindset because that’s like putting a small band-aid over a gaping hole. It just doesn’t work. In fact, there will always be one more thing that your mind or ego will want to fix. Consequently, it’s a never-ending cycle that continually repeats itself. The only thing that changes is the next new flavor of the month or quite simply your next desire. What’s also interesting is that when you get tired of working on yourself you then want to fix the other people around you. And when we act like this life just isn’t fun anymore. But how can it be, when we are basically operating with a belief that says we are wrong and not okay.

So what if I said you are okay, just the way you are? How does that feel? Did I get your attention? You don’t need to do anything to be okay. You are perfect, just the way you are. I hear the sound of a deep breath, as in a sigh of relief. This concept can be very freeing to one’s soul. In fact, isn’t this the true meaning of acceptance? Acceptance of who and what we are, right now, in this very moment without putting conditions on ourselves. Remember we can’t be anything different until we are loved and accepted for who we are right now.

So, how can you fully accept yourself? What does it take? Well, first it means looking realistically at yourself with all your strengths and your weaknesses and appreciating everything that encompasses who you are. It’s definitely not about judging yourself and your qualities. In fact, you don’t really have to do anything – just simply be with those traits. You don’t have to love all of them just yet, but rather allow them to just exist in this very moment. While befriending yourself and your traits, it is important to also practice random acts of kindness on a daily basis. That means actively caring for yourself in loving ways. You can start with the 3 basics – eating right, getting enough sleep and exercising. Then you will also want to be aware of the messages that you send yourself – make sure they are positive and loving. Always, respect and honor your feelings by allowing them the proper space to be heard. Remember to slow down and make time for yourself without constantly rushing around to complete the items on your “to do” list. And lastly, be true to yourself by learning how to say “no” when something doesn’t feel right for you.